I can count the number of times I’ve traveled to Europe on one hand, and every time in the weeks leading up to it, I’ve been nothing but excited.

This time is different.

In the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety surrounding this trip, and I’m not really sure why. It’s very uncharacteristic of me. Maybe it’s because it’s somewhere I’ve never been before. Maybe because I’m traveling alone. Maybe because it’s for TWO WHOLE YEARS and as of now, I still don’t have any plans to come home. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving a boyfriend back home. I don’t know.

Before I left for Berlin last summer – which is a place I know and love – I had kind of similar stuff going on. It wasn’t so much anxiety as it was a sort of numbness, apathy. People would ask me, “aren’t you excited?” And I couldn’t honestly say “yes.” It wasn’t until I was actually at the airport, rolling my giant suitcase from the parking lot to the terminal, that I started getting butterflies and a huge grin broke across my face. Now it’s the morning of my departure and I’m all over the place.

I KNOW that once I get there, everything will be fine. It’ll be a grand adventure, I’ll be surrounded by interesting people living in a beautiful place.

But for now, I’m still freaking out.